Do you ever have that day where you are just able to reflect on your life? Today has been just that for me. Nothing exciting really happened either.
My day started out with being able to sleep in while my husband went downstairs to clean up. When I woke up I posted some new item reveals on my consultant page and relaxed with the relaxing sound of the air conditioner. Checked some emails, read some news then got myself out of bed and dress. When leaving our room I happened to meet my husband at the top of the stair to which he asked what kind of coffee I wanted which I found funny because I don’t always drink coffee, only when it becomes a craving. Naturally my answer is always coconut. To my surprise my coffee also came with a fried egg. Great breakfast to start the day!
Now this may not seem like much of an amazing morning but to me it was. I was able to think about my day and what is in store. I knew we had to work and plan more for our new bedroom/bathroom, and I knew I had yoga in late morning which would be followed by more prep in the basement. I also knew general Sunday things had to be done such as grocery shopping for the week, dinner and get ready for work the next day.
As I moved on through the day completing all tasks I needed to and was finally able to sit down to relax, I began to think about the last few days. Since Friday morning my anxiety had been raging. The mornings are not as bad but the evening bring the moments that I don’t know if I want to scream or cry or both. The ability to control my emotions were gone for that time. Work is slow and boring allowing me to think about everything in my life and the terrible thoughts of negative things eat you up. Feeling as though I have no control over offering a positive or happy news in there. Upon arriving home I knew that dinner would be taken care of but the work on the basement needed to begin. We began our size-up to what needed to be done and found that mold had invaded, only within the past few days, all of our items in the garage. All clothes that were hung, and boxes on the floor. Any regular person would think “okay just need to clean it up and move on”. Nope! Not my mind. This was was my breaking point. This was end of any bit of control of my emotions I had left. Among the arguing and attempted cleanup that we could do that night I felt so enraged and couldn’t speak without crying of raising my voice. Everything that came out of my husband’s mouth felt as though he was yelling at me and blaming it on me, like I had planted the moisture for the mold to form. I felt as though he expected me to know exactly what to do but all I could think was I needed it all to go away now so I could calm myself. Being an adult, we know we have to handle things at times when we really can’t handle anything. This is part of life, and it SUCKS sometimes.
That night we went to bed barely talking with tears still streaming down my face, for what reason then, I have no idea!!
Saturday, we woke early to take on the mold. Many loads of laundry were done overnight by my husband that must not have been able to sleep. We continued laundry, set up a water bath and vinegar spray to spray any items that could not be washed and cleaned out any clothes we would not need along with items not touched in months. This took hours. With a baby shower in the afternoon, I got a break. I sat and watched my friend, whom I used to spend hours hanging out with and basically pretending we were sisters, open gifts for this child she was about to bring into the world. My mind was consumed by thoughts of how I was jealous of her and the things that still had to be done at home. I felt so uncomfortable around people and just wanted to go home and hide.
Stopping at Dunkin Donuts was probably the best thing I did for the day. Iced hot chocolates are awesome!!!
Back home we continued the cleanup and organization finally getting most done by bed time.
This now brings me to my day of reflection. After my amazing morning, Yoga and grocery shopping I had to sit and plan with my husband and his father how we would place the new walls incorporating the shower and vanity and everything else it entails. After about two hours I gave in feeling like my brain was completely shut down. After dinner I found my spot on the couch we a new crochet project and the very last episode of Gilmore Girls. This moment was when I was able to reflect on how I had gone from anxious and irritable to emotional and angry to completely shut off. Thinking about all that my husband and I had taken on over the weekend make some sense of happiness come over me. I felt as though we worked good as a team even with the bits of arguing we did. We were about to build a new space for ourselves that I will eventually find to be my quiet space to get away when I need it. I feel so lucky to have my husband that is willing to make this change of adding a bedroom and doing much of the work. I am also so lucky to have a father in law that looks for the work to do to keep busy while he is visiting us for part of the summer. All the negative feeling I had were starting to evolve into positive happy thoughts. I am actually now feeling excited about this.
Some days I feel as though there is nothing special about my life. It is a typical marriage with typical bickering that any couple do. This has helped me realize that I am a very lucky person to have my husband. That as selfish as he can be sometimes and not agree with my ideas, he is perfect in every way to me. While my anxiety made me not even see that aspect of it, I got through the thick fog it created and can now see the light that I am supposed to each and every day.
Anxiety is a terrible thing and extremely hard to cope with but when you fight back against it to get back to where you were, you will overcome and come out on the positive end of it. Don’t Give Up!